Have you ever stopped what you were doing and looked around, wondering “what the fucking fuck are we doing here?”
Sorry, more explanation is probably best. We’re used to a certain level of stupid on planet Earth. A lot of it doesn’t even phase us too much anymore. We just ignore it. Like the popularity of the selfie stick or the fact that we all pay for water now. For fucking water. And most of us in the first world have collectively agreed that we’d rather buy a shit ton of disposable cups/bottles/cans and throw them, essentially, on the ground than just clean a fucking glass on a regular basis. If that isn’t accepted stupidity, you’re stupid.
But then, sometimes, things happen that are so stupid that it gives you pause. That you seriously stop what you’re doing because the stupid has rendered you immobile for at least a short period of time.
The most recent one of these for me was that fucking insane Kendall Jenner duck lip in a glass because I don’t truly understand how suction works bullshit. I mean, are we kidding here? Seriously. Are we fucking kidding here?
I remember being a teenager and I remember being stupid. I remember asking my dad “how they hanging” and getting a lecture, having no fucking clue I just inquired after the state of his balls. But this is just astronomically stupid. Molecularly stupid. Paralyzingly stupid. Paralyzing for the observer, mind you. Not nearly paralyzing enough for the stupid.
And I’m not saying that every teenager is this stupid. But seriously. What the fuck? Kendall Jenner has lip injections but doesn’t want to admit it so she says she’s just doing her makeup differently and this is what it turns into?
The logical assumption? Easy. The truth. Kendall Jenner got lip injections and didn’t want to admit it.
The witheringly stupid teen assumption? Kendall Jenner is using a fucking glass to suction her lips, mimicking the effects of lip injections. Cause yeah, that’s what she would’ve done. I mean, let’s face it, Kendall Jenner probably only admitted to the lip injections to stop the morbidly stupid teens from continuing to suction their fucking faces off.
Which begs the question…did all these teens get together and sacrifice themselves on the altar of social media to out Kendall Jenner and her lip injections? Almost making them pop culture idiot savants?
Fuuuuuuck. I just blew my mind.
*five minutes later*
The stupidity really is paralyzing.
And then I remember that Kendall Jenner and her lip injections don’t fucking matter at all. Not even a little bit. If Kendall Jenner would’ve taken the identical amount of money she spent on the lip injections and donated it to charity, that would’ve mattered. Maybe a charity revolving around plastic surgery for reconstructive purposes. Or if she would’ve used it as a chance to say “listen, I feel more comfortable this way. I’m an adult and this is my face and this is the decision I’ve made. Butt out.” that would’ve mattered.
But she didn’t and it doesn’t.
And then I realize that the impressively stupid teens win anyway because I’ve been thinking about Kendall Jenner for a fucking hour. Why do I even know who Kendall Jenner is? Why is my brain using that space for Kardashian information instead of something more important like an eidetic Netflix memory or the ability to accurately balance a checkbook? This is probably why the only thing I retained from three years of calculus is simply the word “derivative” and a vague memory of a squiggly symbol that always reminded me of Lavern Defozio.
Am I to blame here, too? Of course I am. I’m overwhelmingly proud of the fact that I’ve never seen an episode of any Kardashian show yet…I scroll internet sites and posts and read comments and get pissy and call people names as I point at my computer screen. I do all of that. Instead of reading a book or taking a walk or whatever else I could be doing.
Man, this whole Kendall Jenner thing is a real mind fucker.