We just moved from Los Angeles to Portland. Basically. Los Angeles is really Venice. Portland is really Hillsboro. Portland, as in Oregon not Maine. And “we” is my fiancé and I, along with my mom.  

The move itself was pretty decent although the professionals hired to pack up my mom’s stuff clearly have never packed anything before in their entire lives. They’re also illiterate. Boxes filled with clothes were labeled as books. Breakable items were packed underneath what might as well have been barbells. And they literally individually wrapped and boxed all of my mom’s recycling that she had set aside to take down to the recycling bin in her garage. The three of us shared a moving van, so it’s no surprise that we’re still finding a lot of my things at my mom’s new place and vice versa. 

The move really has been pretty decent, though. The dog is almost totally unfucked up now with all the space she has. Turns out what buys you a jail cell in Los Angeles buys you three floors in Portland. Abigail is 5 pounds. She was exhausted and overwhelmed for like three weeks, refusing to move from one floor to another and instead just perching herself on a landing and barking her motherfucking ass off all pissy-like. Now, she leaves us to our own devices and trots off wherever she feels like. 

My Elf bobblehead is not nearly as carefree as the dog is, however. He did not survive the move. Technically, he bit it yesterday but since we’ve only been here about a month it’s being grandfathered in. He’s still sitting on the mantle, all pathetic, in two pieces. His body is on its stand, all upright and doing what it can to still look dignified despite having no head and, well, wearing yellow tights and an elf costume. But his head is just lying there next to him. Like some sort of ridiculous reminder to the masses what the life of a criminal gets you back in the days of the guillotine. Will Ferrell’s eyes are wide open and lifeless and his mouth is just barely open, like he’s expelling his last elf breath or doing a Big Mouth Billy Bass impression.

I can’t stop looking at it. It’s almost hypnotizing.  And with the mantle still pretty sparse,  it’s like there’s a spotlight on the little guy. His head is starting to look like a balloon to me. I imagine a string at the bottom of it and it floating up to the ceiling. Our fireplace is right next to the glass doors to our balcony and I watch in my mind as Buddy the Elf goes floating outside, first still hovering over our space and eventually being carried off by the breeze into the trees that line the walking path behind us. 

I wonder what Buddy will see. How far will he go? Will he rise higher and higher or get caught amongst all of the branches and end up caught, forever stuck and watching — free but not free at all? 

There’s so much green outside, here. And there’s so much space. I haven’t seen this much space on a regular basis since I moved to Los Angeles, a decade ago. Buddy could go far, see a lot of shit, if he manages to make it past the treetops. 

It stays light here really late, too. I like that. It’s only the very beginning of May and there’s still light in the sky at 8:00 at night. Reminds me of summers as a kid. I don’t mind the colder temperatures but I do have to get used to them. I’m loving the rain. Buddy’ll have to watch out for the rain. I bet he’ll find a way to make it fun, though. That’s what’s so great about him – he can find the joy in anything. And he puts syrup on his spaghetti. 

How funny would it be to have an Elf-themed Christmas party this year? Dishes of candy, candy canes and candy corns all over the place. Obviously, spaghetti to eat with a bottle of syrup amongst the add-ins. Two-liters of Coke for people to drink and really terrible coffee. BUT…coffee cups that say “the world’s best coffee”. The place could be decorated like Christmas on steroids, with paper link garlands everywhere and Lite Brites spelling out “Merry Christmas”.

I think I’ve seen this movie too much.

Fuck, it’s only May.

Plus, I have no friends here yet. 

And maybe I should work on my wedding in November instead of an Elf Christmas party. 

I better have friends by Christmas, though.

Of course I’ll have friends, look at the fucking kick ass ideas I have for parties!

Buddy’d be a good Halloween costume, too. I don’t think I could pull off the gold leggings, though. I mean, those are super gold. They’re like “goldenrod”. I could dress up Abbie like a little elf, too. She’d be adorable! And she’d totally hate it, which would make her even more cute. 

Pink! just came on. She’s pretty damn awesome. I like her. Strong woman. I bet she likes Elf. I bet she could pull off those gold tights. I bet she’d tell me that I could too, though. She seems like that kind of chick. 

I’m gonna keep the bobblehead. Fix it or do something with it. You can’t get rid of Buddy. Maybe I’ll tie his head to a balloon or a kite and let the wind take him. Let him see the country. Maybe I’ll add a pluggy thing to the bottom of his head and use him as a wine bottle stopper! Or keep him in my purse and use him to freak out strangers. 

Hey, it’s raining. When did that happen?