If You Were an Alien Would You Want to Live Here: an Alien Hypothesis

Worried ET is coming to use you as a skin suit? One courageous writer examines why Earth isn’t the Home for Wayward Aliens we fear. If You Were An Alien, Would You Want To Live Here: an Alien Hypothesis reads as a hilarious manifesto, set-up to be the latest in the world of cult followings and smack-you-in-the-face honesty that reaches inside of you and smacks you square in the conscience with your funny bone.



I’m just laying it out there. From an alien’s point of view, we’re weird. We have an earth full of food, in terms of plants and animals and fruits and nuts, and instead we create shit in a lab and eat that instead. We take a little bit of something nutritious and grind it up until the nutrients are gone and add that to something else that has been ground up from something nutritious and then we do it over and over again until we have a huge fucking amount of nothing nutritious and shove it in our faces. 

That’s fucking weird. 

And we all do it. 

Fuck you, if you think you don’t. You might be better at it than some other people but you still do it. And if you really have never, ever been guilty of doing this than you’re probably not even reading this because you’re living off the land somewhere far, far away from this book. 

But that’s not the only thing that makes us weird. 

‘Cause fundamentally, I think there’s a lot of stuff that we do that I don’t think we really should, that I think aliens would do, too. Like zoos. We imprison animals just so we can look at them and let our kids get real close and annoying with their sticky fingers and shit. And let’s just say an animal breaks out of their prison, what do we do? We catch them, kill them and then call them a killer for doing what we would do ourselves if the situations were reversed. Maybe they don’t even escape. Maaaaaybe we even kill them if they don’t make any attempt to escape at all but instead just hang out where they’re supposed to, minding their own business, while we ignore signs and let our kids wander too close to their open mouths and such. But… I bet aliens would do that, too. I bet extraterrestrials would totally have zoos full of their planetary creatures and let their alien kids eat alien ice cream while they pointed and giggled at the poor drugged-up bastards behind the bars. 

But I just think that there are some things that we do, like my earlier food example, which would give another planet pause. Like drugs. Not that we do them. I think every species has it’s own drug of sorts. What I think that they’ll find weird is how we handle the topic of drugs. We are totally on-board with making shit in a factory and poisoning our bodies through way of pie hole but we’re not cool doing the exact same thing and putting it up our nose or in our vein. It’s why we’re okay with pills. Pills are via pie hole. Alcohol is another example of a totally accepted pie hole drug. Cigarettes, up until like yesterday, were not only a completely accepted pie hole drug but at one time physician recommended. And we all know people are getting a lot more relaxed and groovy with the weed laws. Also a pie hole drug. Oooh… pretty soon, ‘shrooms, baby!

Anyway, I think this dichotomy of ours would confuse the shit out of aliens. 

Other things we do that would confuse them: our worshipping of boy bands, why we let cats shit in our houses, the desperate need we have to pay people to pull our hair out, and why we insist on drinking other animal’s breast milk.

My hypothesis? You stayed away from the weird kid in school, right? So do aliens.