Dear The American People,
It’s with much sadness that I write you this letter but I see no way around it. I agree that we’ve got an incredibly diverse country made up of multiple ethnicities, genders, creeds, sexual persuasions and onward but we seem to be having some troubles creating a home for such vastly different people. The way I see it, however, there really isn’t so much about who we are as people that divides us and keeps us apart from one another and because of this, I’d like to put forth a new way of looking at the people who make up our forever evolving country. The grand makeup of this Union of ours doesn’t, in fact, have us split up into dozens of smaller classifications of people: black, white, Hispanic, gay, Catholic, Muslim, trans, able-bodied, etc. Instead, we actually fit into two much broader classifications that, yes, we can then continue to examine until we find additional bonds that unite us and varying traits that make us multifaceted but I think people will find that these two classifications actually tell us much more about the people we’re dealing with than any other way we label people in this country now.
My thesis? Our country, the great United States of America, can be divided into two distinct categories: those people who want to be on the right side of history and those who belong on the wrong side. There are a great many people who affiliate themselves with the wrong side of history (although, admittedly, I imagine they wouldn’t agree with my labeling system) that have been wailing on for years about our movement forward as a country under a regime of political correctness. And in the spirit in which these free speech patriots have forever been rallying, I’m going to take up their banner for a moment and opt for the unabashed bluntness of being politically incorrect:
If you believe one race, one gender, one sexual orientation or one religion is better than another…that makes you a racist or a sexist or a homophobe or a bigot. That isn’t something up for debate. Those are just words with definitions like blonde or brunette or southpaw or dentist. Now, we’ve been going through a lot of debate in our country from the time of its inception about what kind of connotation these beliefs have, long before we even had those words to describe them. “Separate but equal” was a big motto we went with for a long time as was “don’t ask don’t tell” — both ways for us to acknowledge our differences without having to deal with them or include them in our own group’s reindeer games. I do, however, feel like we’ve reached a point in history when we have to be a little bit more blunt — a little more abrupt and a little more, well, rude. And I’m confident that even though some people will not agree with my premise here, those people will still be able to admit that my political incorrectness in this instance is at least something that unites us in clarity.
So, for all of those who identify with any of the labels I mentioned above (racist, sexist, homophobe, bigot) or any others that work to keep us apart instead of bring us together…the debate you’ve been forcing us to have for hundreds of years? Yeah, there IS NO DEBATE. A debate implies that there is the possibility of multiple outcomes or answers. A debate implies that these are opinions and the topics we’re discussing have multiple sides and points of view, all of which deserve to be heard. THIS IS also NOT TRUE. It’s time to take the kid gloves off and just tell it to you like it is, after all, you guys have been using this premise to discuss your views in open forum since the beginning of time. So, without further ado and explanation…to say that you’re wrong is such an immensely minuscule way to phrase how motherfucking wrong you are about life that it begs me to reach through my computer screen and slap the dead soul out of your body. You’re not just wrong about your take on life and how we’re supposed to walk through it, you will be the absolute reason why we fail in this earthly endeavor that we’re all a part of together.
And let me speak in words and sentences that will get YOUR attention instead of what the rest of the world, those of us on the right side of history, feels is the most important measuring tool. So, not your heart and not your soul. Because again, all in the sense of honesty, you people don’t give a fucking fairy’s ass about heart and soul. If you did, you wouldn’t use your religion to damn people to hell (and there are people from EVERY RELIGION that do that even when their religions go expressly against this tenant). So, to get hip with your clan’s jive, let me be honest with you about where you’ve gone wrong, in terms that will mean something to you. None of you people, not one of you, is anything but a goddamn IMBECILE. Seriously. Oh, you have a Ph.D.? I’m sure you do. Imbeciles can get PhDs. It says you have a Ph.D. in economics or genetics or philosophy (or whatever)? Fantastic and a hearty congratulations but you’re still a fucking imbecile. And do you know why you’re an imbecile? Because you, who have devoted your life to judging others (which is what it’s called when you won’t stop talking about how your group is better than everyone else’s and you commit yourself to making sure these “others” don’t get afforded the same opportunities that you do) have totally and completely missed the ENTIRE fucking point of life.
And you know what that makes you? Fucking LOSERS.
Regardless if anyone has found a complete and satisfying answer regarding the meaning of life (whether for themselves individually or for humanity as a whole), one thing that we can most definitely trust is TRUE is that dividing us against each other, refusing to work cooperatively and creating a planet and society where some people are rewarded with everything for nothing and others the entire opposite is NOT THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS WORLD. So, if that’s your agenda –and let me be clear that if you believe you should be afforded more opportunities than other people that is, in fact, your fucking agenda — then you have gotten the answer to the test question “what is the meaning of life” wrong. You had your blue book and your pencil, you came to your final exam on time, and fucking biffed it. You would’ve been better off just handing in a blank goddamn book than writing the drivel you believe on the pages inside. At least then, some people would’ve thought your forgot about the exam. Others might’ve thought you were taking a stand against testing policies. And some people might’ve even given you the benefit of the doubt and worried that you were in an accident on your way to the test. But by filling your entire blue book with words of pompous self-posturing, inflated ego-boosting that can only be compared to the mythical self-given blow job, and hate-filled words of ignorance that only go to show that you literally know NOTHING about the people you share this good Earth with, you have proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to all of us that you have fucking FAILED the LIFE exam. And that, sirs and madams, mean that you are goddamn LOSERS.
Why, you ask? Why does this make you losers, if we don’t even know who’s grading the exam, if there’s a curve or if the grades even count at all? For one simple reason. The world you are creating with your blind, stupid ignorance is a fucking cesspool. You are creating the Fire Swamp. And you may be the King or Queen ROUS but you’re still a fucking rodent, regardless of your unusual size. So instead of creating a goddamn Shangri-La, where every inhabitant lives their best life possible, you’ve chosen to turn the goddamn gift that is LIFE into a fucking shithole mess. You’ve actually chosen to live in the Fire Swamp over Care-A-Lot.
And the thing is, even an 8 year old knows that’s fucking stupid. And when an eight year old knows you’re a dumbass that means you’re a LOSER. So, welcome to your reality, assholes. Finals are over and you didn’t make it. Your consolation prize is living in the filth you’ve built while the rest of us prepare for Care-A-Lot. And even if we never see that grand place in our lifetime, just working on a project so beautiful and rewarding is a gift itself. Because I may never get to see the completed work but working on a goddamn Picasso with other artists is by far more meaningful then completing the landfill you’re working on.
In conclusion, I urge you to rethink the way you look at this country, seeing so many groups that keep us separate from each other and understand there are simply the two. Those in The Fire Swamp and those desperately trying to create Care-A-Lot. And it may seem like you’re making more progress but that’s only because you don’t acknowledge anything outside of your Fire Swamp borders. But time will tell and so will history. And as you’ve so graciously pointed out on multiple occasions, the only way to have winners in this world is if there are losers, too. So, thank you. Thank you from all those on the right side of history. It is only because you’re LOSERS that the rest of us get to be the winners we really are.
A Historical Winner and one of the proud Foremothers of Care-A-Lot.
p.s. Please consider this letter notice of my official Care Bear stare.